Committed relationships have absolutely nothing to do with perfection, Nor do they have one thing to do with expectations. Honestly, we should expect the unexpected. Life has a fantastic way of forcing us to change. This is great, because we should never want to be who we were when we entered the relationship. However, learning to adapt to the new person requires one to adjust to a new normal. When I mention new normal on my facebook page, it sparks interest and great conversation.
It is important to self-evaluate, and identify who you are and where you are in your life. This helps you to figure why you are doing what you’re doing, and reacting to situations. I find that this experience simply puts things into perspective. I shut the heck up and allow the wife to speak, I accept when I am wrong, I am totally honest about how I feel and I get it out and move on. I wasn’t always able to do this. Like many, entering a relationship, I figured, happy wife happy life, things would work themselves out, we love each other so life would be magnificent. Nope, that is not how it works at all.
There are characteristics that I loved about the wife as a 25 year old that drives me insane now. There are things that she does now that she never did that I absolutely love! A lot of this is because we have changed, matured, changed locations, friends, etc. So instead of me losing it, I’ve just learned to adjust, fall in love with the new and out of love with the old. (Create a New Normal!)
When I chat with divorced couples that are now best friends, the first thing that I ask is how did you manage to get so close? Many times, they’ve replied I just accept him or her for who they are and we just don’t make a big deal out of anything. I get so excited that I have to spodd them!!! None of us are perfect. Evolution is inevitable! We will constantly be changing and so will the love we have for each other. It is totally okay to fall out of love with something. It doesn’t mean you no longer love your partner. It simply means you should prepare for a shift in the relationship and communicate about how the change/s make you feel.
Lastly, ignore the saying that a relationship is work. Two imperfect people make up a relationship and they are the WORK! Define your issue and be real with yourself. The key is to create a more refined self to enhance the quality of your relationship.
The key to coping with conflict is thought. Before lashing out or seething in painful silence when negative emotions rear up between you, remember this.....although a couple, you are still two people, individuals with often differing ideas and ways of doing things.
When you first got to know each other, you were delighted to discover all the many things you have in common and you found you were so amazingly compatible you could easily, you hoped, live together in harmony. You probably didn’t foresee much conflict, if any. But, after the honeymoon months or years, like most couples you will have lost that in-love habit of slotting easily into agreement. You remembered you both have strong wills of your own and wanted to have your will again, most or at least a good part of the time.
So some conflict is natural. The Secret of its peaceful presence in a happy relationship. Your happy relationship is about dealing positively and constructively with the conflict between you when the natural wish of each of you for individual autonomy clashes.
The first step is recognizing it and not feeling guilty about it or about the plethora of emotions that have suddenly engulfed you. They are natural, too, in your insistence on being your natural selves individuals.
Once you register this – and doing so is a habit you can choose to adopt and it only takes a nanosecond. you are in the strong, centred position of knowing what’s going on. Now you will find you can shake off the negative feelings undermining your serenity and move forwards in clarity to use your common sense, love and all-round intelligence to find the best way to deal with the dispute.
It could be a matter of finding a resolution that suits you both or deciding on the best decision to go with in the circumstances. Talking it through may well find one or both of you changing your opinion and seeing there is perhaps another better way. So willingness to listen to each other as you state your case calmly and without rancour is key. As is a willingness to let go of pre-held conceptions when they are not apt or beneficial to this particular situation.
And always remember..... willingness to accept each other’s right to their views and to take turns at decision making is vital too.