INSPIRATIONAL

  • Relationship Conflict

     

    Committed relationships have absolutely nothing to do with perfection, Nor do they have one thing to do with expectations. Honestly, we should expect the unexpected. Life has a fantastic way of forcing us to change. This is great, because we should never want to be who we were when we entered the relationship. However, learning to adapt to the new person requires one to adjust to a new normal. When I mention new normal on my facebook page, it sparks interest and great conversation.

    It is important to self-evaluate, and identify who you are and where you are in your life. This helps you to figure why you are doing what you’re doing, and reacting to situations. I find that this experience simply puts things into perspective. I shut the heck up and allow the wife to speak, I accept when I am wrong, I am totally honest about how I feel and I get it out and move on. I wasn’t always able to do this. Like many, entering a relationship, I figured, happy wife happy life, things would work themselves out, we love each other so life would be magnificent. Nope, that is not how it works at all.

    There are characteristics that I loved about the wife as a 25 year old that drives me insane now. There are things that she does now that she never did that I absolutely love! A lot of this is because we have changed, matured, changed locations, friends, etc. So instead of me losing it, I’ve just learned to adjust, fall in love with the new and out of love with the old. (Create a New Normal!)

    When I chat with divorced couples that are now best friends, the first thing that I ask is how did you manage to get so close? Many times, they’ve replied I just accept him or her for who they are and we just don’t make a big deal out of anything. I get so excited that I have to spodd them!!! None of us are perfect. Evolution is inevitable! We will constantly be changing and so will the love we have for each other. It is totally okay to fall out of love with something. It doesn’t mean you no longer love your partner. It simply means you should prepare for a shift in the relationship and communicate about how the change/s make you feel.

    Lastly, ignore the saying that a relationship is work. Two imperfect people make up a relationship and they are the WORK! Define your issue and be real with yourself. The key is to create a more refined self to enhance the quality of your relationship.

    The key to coping with conflict is thought. Before lashing out or seething in painful silence when negative emotions rear up between you, remember this.....although a couple, you are still two people, individuals with often differing ideas and ways of doing things.

    When you first got to know each other, you were delighted to discover all the many things you have in common and you found you were so amazingly compatible you could easily, you hoped, live together in harmony. You probably didn’t foresee much conflict, if any. But, after the honeymoon months or years, like most couples you will have lost that in-love habit of slotting easily into agreement. You remembered you both have strong wills of your own and wanted to have your will again, most or at least a good part of the time.

    So some conflict is natural. The Secret of its peaceful presence in a happy relationship. Your happy relationship is about dealing positively and constructively with the conflict between you when the natural wish of each of you for individual autonomy clashes.

    The first step is recognizing it and not feeling guilty about it or about the plethora of emotions that have suddenly engulfed you. They are natural, too, in your insistence on being your natural selves individuals.

    Once you register this – and doing so is a habit you can choose to adopt and it only takes a nanosecond. you are in the strong, centred position of knowing what’s going on. Now you will find you can shake off the negative feelings undermining your serenity and move forwards in clarity to use your common sense, love and all-round intelligence to find the best way to deal with the dispute.

    It could be a matter of finding a resolution that suits you both or deciding on the best decision to go with in the circumstances. Talking it through may well find one or both of you changing your opinion and seeing there is perhaps another better way. So willingness to listen to each other as you state your case calmly and without rancour is key. As is a willingness to let go of pre-held conceptions when they are not apt or beneficial to this particular situation.

    And always remember..... willingness to accept each other’s right to their views and to take turns at decision making is vital too.

     

     

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  • Look up at the stars and not down at your feet

    Do you want a rewarding life?  Then be curious.  The more curious you are, the more possibilities you will open throughout your lifetime.  Open your eyes and look around.  How many blind assumptions have you made?  What do you want to know more about?

    Here are 10 good reasons why you should unleash your curiosity:

    1. You Will Clarify Yourself – Curiosity allows you to shed light on your troubles, thoughts, and personal circumstances.  It motivates you to uncover the truth about the nuances of your life.  When curiosity is properly honed, it serves as a vehicle for establishing personal goals.
    2. You Will Uncover the Truth – All that seems obvious in life is not necessarily true.  A curious person doesn’t just take someone’s word for it; they discover the truth for themselves.  The curious dig deep into the details, and when they finish their detective work, they don’t only know “what” or “when”, they know “how” and “why”.
    3. You Will Release Your Inner Child – Children are curious.  They are like an empty canvas, waiting to be filled with knowledge and experiences.  They don’t have predetermined expectations fogging their judgment.  Children absorb the world around with an open mind driven by sheer curiosity.  Curiosity can help open your mind too.
    4. You Will Experience Something Fresh – New experiences are one of the most exciting acts of living.  They simulate your mind and free your creative emotion, thus liberating your thoughts from the tension of a daily routine.  Be curious, be daring, be alive!  Go discover something fresh.
    5. You Will Increase Your Productivity – A curious mind dives beneath the surface of common acceptance to unravel the details driving the process.  The more you comprehend the details, the better you will understand the process.  Thus, the more productive you will be.
    6. You Will Learn More Often – When your curiosity steers you into the unknown you will return with a greater wealth of knowledge.  You will stretch the boundaries of your mind.  The more you learn, the more you will want to know.  Every new awareness will lead you to another stimulating challenge.
    7. You Will Become More Efficient – Curious people look at a challenge from multiple angles.  They discover alternative ways of accomplishing the same task.  The greater the pool of possible solutions, the more likely it is that they will expose a better way to get things done.
    8. You Will Experience a Spice of Variety – Variety is the spice of life, at least that’s what the curious folks understand.  There is nothing more boring than repetition.  When you allow your curiosity to send you in new directions you add variety into your life.  This could be as simple as eating at a new restaurant or taking a new route to work.  Don’t confine yourself, go explore.
    9. You Will Be More Positive – It is much easier to be negative about something than it is to be positive.  If you don’t understand something, or it is unusual to your senses, it’s easy to write it off as being useless or dumb.  Only when you truly understand something will you be able to appreciate it.  Human beings tend to be more positive toward the things they understand.  Curiosity naturally broadens a person’s horizons, and thus their understanding of the things around them.
    10. You Will Establish New Relationships – Your curiosity will lead you down roads you would otherwise not have travelled.  On occasion you will almost certainly want to stop and look around.  You never know, you may bump into someone you have a lot in common with.
       
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  • 12 Hard things to do to help you find Happiness

     

    1.  Exercise your integrity.

    Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less than what you are capable of.  Communicating clearly and asking for what you want and need from people.  Speaking your truth, even when others judge you for it.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your morals and values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.  And, of course, always doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, and even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.

     

    2.  Steer clear of drama and those who create it.

    There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the needless drama and the people who create it.  Staying out of other people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to stress less and smile more.

    A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  Life is much too short to waste time talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up drama that has no substance.  If you don’t know, ask.  If you don’t agree, say so.  If you don’t like it, speak up.  But never judge people behind their back.

     

    3.  Replace judgment with encouragement.

    No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it.  Yes, it’s very easy to judge someone else’s actions by what you assume your own actions would be if you were in their shoes.  But you only know what you THINK you would do, not what you WOULD do.

    The truth is, we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our ideals.  So do your best to catch yourself when this happens.  Remember that when we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person, and everything about our own need to be critical.

    Bottom line:  We have enough critics in this world.  Be an encourager.  You’ll see why.

     

    4.  Be positive and spend time with positive people.

    Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and positivity.  You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life.  You can either give negativity power over your life, or you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things that are truly important.  So talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems.  Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

    In addition, do your best to spend more time with positive people and less time with negative ones.  People that deliberately doubt, judge and disrespect you are not worth your long-term time and attention.

    5.  Make new choices as needed, rather than letting old ones make you.

    You don’t get to decide if or when you might get hurt in this world, but you do have some control over who and what hurts you.  After all, who we ultimately become depends, in part, on who and what we let into our lives.  So don’t just settle for relationships and situations that have proven to be unworthy.  Exercise your right to choose differently.  

    Be the hero of your life, not the victim.  You may not control all the circumstances that happen to you, but you can decide not to be continuously reduced by the same ones.

     

    6.  Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.

    As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.  It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”

    Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life.  Less really is more.  Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting.  Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships.  There is a big difference between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and what’s essential.

    7.  Uphold your truth.

    Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way.  Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from yourself.  You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore.  You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else entirely.

    Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are.  The people worth spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to be themselves.  And that works out well, because you won’t be happy being anyone else. 

     

    8.  Express your love without reservations.

    Love is a verb.  Act on it.  Today, be the reason someone feels incredibly loved and needed.  Give your love away like your life depends on it.

    Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the car you drove, and maybe not even your name.  But they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them.  The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.  All of which represent the full expression of your love.

     

    9.  Nurture your relationship with your significant other.

    Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working with them to create the right relationship.  It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture until the end.  A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat and positive.  It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter in the long run.

    A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy.  It takes time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together every day to build something special.

     

    10.  Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.

    Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe you’re not supposed to understand everything.  Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen.

    So never force anything.  Give it your best shot, and then let it be.

    Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them.  Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things. So stop holding onto what hurts, and make room for what feels right.  Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.

     

    11.  Embrace your humanness.

    “Human” is the only real label we are born with.  Yet we forget so easily.

    To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water.  For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in.  And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.

     

    12.  Ask yourself the right questions.

    What questions are you asking yourself on a regular basis?  Are they helping you better understand your purpose?  Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?

    Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life.  And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU.  So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions.  For instance…

    • “Who am I?”
    • “What do I need?”
    • “How do I function best?”
    • “What do I have to give?”
    • “What’s the next step I can take right now?”

    It’s all about self-inquiries that help you stay true to your principles, pursue your desires, grow through adversity, and add value to the world around you. 

     

     

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  • Changing your thinking

    Changing your thinking

    The saying “She who teaches others, teaches herself” is very true, not only because constant repetition helps impress facts indelibly on the mind, but also because the process of teaching itself gives greater insight into the subject taught.
    One of the strategies we teach over and over again is self-inquiry, which is basically the art of asking ourselves the right questions. Why is this strategy so important? Because the questions we ask ourselves become thoughts. Thoughts then become words. Words become actions. Actions become character. And character changes everything.
    Truth be told, when times get tough and big problems arise, as they inevitably will, it is the strength of our character that sees us through.
    And since our character is directly influenced by what we say to (and ask of) ourselves on a daily basis, I want you to think about how you’ve been speaking to yourself lately. Have you been using the empowering, encouraging words you would speak to a friend? Or the belittling remarks you would shout to an enemy if you had no heart? Or the negative remarks about life you might utter if you had no faith?
    All day long you speak silently to yourself, and a part of you believes every word. Which is why it’s important to stay mindful when problems arise, and meditate on the right questions…
    1. What could you be positive and happy about right now, if you really wanted to? – Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another. Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have. When life gives you every reason to be negative, think of one good reason to be positive.
    2. What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have right now? – Smile, not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and thankful for all the good things you do have, and for all the problems you know you don’t have. 
    3. What do you need to stop thinking and saying to yourself? – Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything you ARE. We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
    4. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of? – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go—whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy. You fight to hold on and you fight to let go, but oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
    5. Will you blame others and deny responsibility, or will you create an action plan to move forward? – Imagine how much more effective and happy you’d be if, instead of denying, blaming, dreading and fighting against certain situations and tasks, you simply got them handled.
    6. How can you respond from a place of clarity and strength, rather than thoughtlessly reacting to this experience? – Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. And remember that our character is often most evident in our highs and lows. Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between.
    7. How can you be of service to the greater good, so that everyone around you feels elevated, rather than weighed down? – Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Thus, the best way to find yourself when times are tough, is to lose yourself in the service of a cause greater than yourself.
    8. How are your expectations serving you, or hurting you? – Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of everything is the best way to avoid being disappointed.  Because, in a sense, expectations are like fine pottery—the harder you hold on to them, the more likely they are to crack. So just let go a little, and appreciate your life and relationships for what they truly are.
    9. Who, or what, needs your forgiveness? – Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to healed relationships and situations. Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be. Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE. Go ahead and set yourself free. When you hold resentment toward another entity, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free.
    10. What do you now know better for next time? – Don’t let your fear of past events affect all the possibilities ahead of you. Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away. There will always be obstacles, but we are confined most often by the walls we build ourselves. What we see greatly depends on how we look at it. Forget what you’ve lost and focus on what you’ve learned.

     

     

     

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